2 month letter

Dear Roman,

Tomorrow you will be two months old. I can't believe it! We've had some interesting times in the short time you've been here. The day you were born is still burned into my mind. The first two nights home are also still (unfortunately) in there as well. Those were rough nights!

This last month we have been battling the dreaded C word- colic! At 5 weeks (the weekend of your dedication) you started crying for hours at a time. We could console you for about 5-10 minutes but the crying always started back up. Your sleep has also been sporatic. Some nights you go all night long while others you are up non stop. Daddy and I are doing our best for you and each other. It hasn't been easy but we are definitely stronger because of it. Some things we have tried: gripe water, moby wrap (you don't like being put down during the day), "shhhhhh" in the ear, swaddling, bouncing up and down, sleeping on our chests, your swing- all of these you like and work for you. You also don't like to be in the same place all day long- you get bored! You and I go to our friend Aunt Jen's house a lot of the times. You love her orange curtains! There were plenty of times (especially when Daddy was gone for two weeks for training) that I have had to lay you down in your crib, shut the door, go in my room and lay down. I also call Nana, Grandma, Wella- whoever answers the phone first- and just cry to them. I hate thinking about you being in pain (you have HORRIBLE gas and cry before you fart) and that I can't fix it. It's a feeling of pain and guilt that I've never experienced. Sometimes when you're crying I just rock you and cry with you and tell you it will all be better soon.

Every night Mommy and Daddy both kiss you good night and tell you we love you and we just stare at you. This last month we have also started your bed time routine. The time ranges between 8-10pm but is always the same. Every other night you get a bath, which Daddy does and dresses you those nights, but every night Mommy massages you and reads you a story. Some nights Daddy does story and sometimes we do it together alternating pages. Then we pray and I rock you to sleep. You love "Bye oh Bye oh" and now you've started liking "Here I am to Worship." I love singing and rocking you. At night I hate laying you down in your crib. Yesterday I even cried while rocking you because I can't believe how fast you're growing. I want to hold you all night long. I want so much for you. I want to keep you from all the bad things in this world.

New things you have started doing this month include rolling over from your tummy to your back, cooing, smiling LOTS, crying when I walk away from you especially in your swing, getting "excited" (legs kicking, arms waving, "panting") when you think we're about to pick you up (and crying if we walk away), and having INCREDIBLE head control- you're so strong! You push up on your arms and lift your head and look around (but only for a minute or so at a time). You prefer to play on your back than your tummy so you can see the world. You also like to watch tv and when I move you so you aren't staring at it (don't want you to be overstimulated!) you cry! It's so cute. Oh that's another thing you do- you pucker out that bottom lip every time you're sad and Daddy and I can't help but laugh. Daddy hates it but only because you make him feel so bad when you do it- it's SO cute!

So these last two months haven't been easy by ANY means. There have been many tears on both our parts (and unfortunately a few fights between Mommy and Daddy) but I wouldn't trade YOU for anything. You are beautiful. Stay small little one. Mommy (and Daddy) love you so much.

Love, Mommy

PS after reading this Daddy told me to add that one day you're going to make a great rock singer because your screams are already perfect and have racked his spinal cord a few times. Silly Dad!

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Forgiveness

A while ago I blogged about forgiveness. We had an amazing PWOC meeting and that was the focus. I had jotted down notes but what with giving birth and all I had forgot to blog the passages. We watched the Nooma video 007 Luggage by Rob Bell.

Romans 12:19
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
(you can't take care of it better than God!)

Proverbs 26:11
As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.
(Just because you are wronged over and over it doesn't mean you don't have to forgive. Forgive but keep distance with the person hurting you- don't be the dog!)

Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
(If you don't forgive others then you won't be forgiven by God. If you are still ill wishing the person then you haven't truly forgiven!)

Proverbs 15:3
The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.

Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

We worry about 90% of things we can't change and only 10% of those we can.

People say "I can't forgive them! You have no idea what they did- it was too bad to forgive them!" - well what if God said this to you??

Unforgiveness is like cancer for the person who can't forgive. It just eats away at you.

*And my favorite* "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping the other person dies!" - Mark Gungor.

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Need to share

So I have a lot of new mommy friends and I feel like I need to share this just in case someone else needs to hear it to feel normal. Friday was a horrible day. The worst so far. It was so bad that i had to lay Roman in his crib, shut the door, go lay in my bed (in the dark) and cry. And call my godmother (at 5am her time). It was the first time I thought that I could now empathize with those women who hurt themselves or their babies. I never ever understood why women did that and I judged them so harshly but now I can understand the feeling. I don't understand the action because everyone has a choice- a choice to harm or a choice to walk away and talk to someone. I do not feel sorry for women who do harm. I just now have a better understanding of them. No I wasn't worried about harming myself or my baby- don't freak out or worry about me- I just started thinking "Wow. I get it now." And it was a scary thought. It was awful. I felt so so guilty and scared and alone. And what's weird is I'm not alone here! I have AMAZING wonderful and caring friends here. God has truly placed the best people in my life. But I still felt alone. I just needed my family or Matt (who was/is in the field). However at the time I was too scared to share these thoughts with my family (for fear they'd worry) and I still haven't shared them with Matt for the same reason. When he's home we'll discuss it because (like I'm sharing with you) I want him to know those thoughts are ok. And everyone has to just walk away from the baby for a little while. I know we all read that it's normal and ok but still I thought "Oh I'll never think that or be like that" but... I did/do. And today I was able to share that thought with two wonderful women who both reassured me in a noncondescending manner that they've been there and it's hard. But it's normal. And it does get better.

So for my mommy and soon-to-be-mommy friends even if you are too ashamed, scared, or embarrassed to share your thoughts or feelings just know that you are not alone.

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Roman's Dedication

So I never did post about Roman's dedication! That was the start of such a rough week with Roman and his tummy. It was amazing. Matt and I both agree that God sent us here to grow closer to Him. We were not what you would call religious people. I can't speak for him but I've always been spiritual but not one to go to church (minus my childhood summers with my Nana). Matt also said he had only been to church a few times as a kid (he only really remembers one Easter). However last year at our first marriage retreat we prayed together for the first time. We didn't even pray together when he deployed. I prayed for him but was too embarrassed? awkward? I guess to ask him to pray with me. We started eating dinner at the table and praying before hand more- we do NOT do this every night but we do it much more than before. We have also prayed together at night time and before major things and just when we needed it- like before Matt went to work during a stressful time. We have definitely seen God working for the better in our life (hello Roman!) and we have found a wonderful church family. Our very first church family. Downer is that with the Army they can't be our permanent church family. Roman won't grow up with these people knowing they love him. But we have them for now and we praise God for them! Anyways we never knew really how many friends we had in our church until we had Roman dedicated. The chaplain asked for our friends to come up and lay their hands on Roman and pray for him and we were so moved at how many came up there. It's an awesome feeling knowing so many are praying for your baby. When we go home in Dec. we are hoping to have Roman baptized in the church I was (Nana is working on that for us) and that way our family will be there and hopefully Roman's godparents.

"Masterpiece"
by:Sandi Patty


Before you had a name or open up your eyes
Or any one could recognize your face
You were being formed so delicate inside
Secluded in God’s safe and hidden place

With your little tiny hand and little tiny feet
And little eyes that shimmer like a pearl
He breathe in you a song and to make it all complete
He brought the masterpiece into the world

[Chorus]
You are a Masterpiece a new creation he has formed
And you’re as soft and fresh as a snowy winter morn
And I’m so glad that God has given you to me
Little lamb of God, you are a Masterpiece.

And now you’re growing up, your life’s a miracle
Every time I look at you I stand in owe
Because I see in you a reflection of me
And you’ll always be my little lamb from God

And as your life goes on each day, how I pray that you will see
Just how much your life has meant to me
And I’m so proud of you, what else is there to say
Just be the masterpiece He created you to be.

[Chorus]
You are a Masterpiece a new creation he has formed
And you’re as soft and fresh as a snowy winter morn
And I’m so glad that God has given you to me
Little lamb of God, you are a Masterpiece.

you are a Masterpiece.

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To Move or Not to Move...

So Matt (and the FRG leader/Commander) said to treat this field excercise as a test run for when they deploy...well I am now considering moving back home for the deployment. When we lived off post I said for sure I was moving back but once we got on post I was so much happier I decided to stay here. However the high of moving into a bigger place has worn off (it's bigger yes but the layout is annoying- no open spaces. Plus we REALLY need an extra room for all our crap). Anywho I haven't made up my mind 100% but I'm working on my pro/con list- feel free to add to it for either side! Especially those friends who have stayed in Germany (or Korea) during a deployment.

PRO:
Family help
Close Friends
I can work
Trusted Daycare (or Nana!) ;-)
Bigger apt/house (with AC and CARPET!)
Stores/food (esp. 24hr stores!!)
Cheaper things!
Space A to FL
Could house hunt in Ft Hood
Visit Houston on weekends
Better technology (CELL PHONE! DVR! CABLE!)
Used to deployment in TX
UT Tyler (may work? Get masters?)
Better winter
no more rations cards aka can buy wine when i want and dont need matt!

CON
Drama (sorry people)
Can’t travel more of Europe (but I think I would feel too guilty doing it without Matt anyways...and not comfy traveling alone plus with Roman)
Live apart 15 mo instead of 12(minus RR/Block Leave. But already used to that)
Away from unit/communication (but have FB)
Church family (that's probably biggest Con) :-(
Money? (may or may not make more in TX- need to check about COLA/BAH)
Weather (HEAT!) :-(
Time difference to Matt (in germany it's only 1-2hrs however we're used to that as well)
Have to move ourselves to new post from Longview (but he will reenlist to get forthood so we've done it before!)
Free daycare hours when deployed (but dont need if i have family)
people around me that truly understand (but we have skype and fb!)

So right now PRO list for moving home is bigger especially considering all of my CONs can be debated. Thank goodness we have time to figure things out!

Matt isn't thrilled about this idea (I think he's just jealous that I'd be back in the states lol) because he doesnt want to give up our house HOWEVER when he gets back from Afgh. he'll only have 3 more months before he PCSes to wherever (fort hood...) and one month will be block leave (and hopefully we'll be on a cruise and maybe London if we dont go before he leaves!) so he'd only have to live in barracks for 2months IF they wont let us stay off post with govt furniture (I lose command sponsorship if I move home). So the house thing to me isn't a big deal. Especially since I could get something nicer in the states. So a con would be we have to pay for us to move from wherever I live to wherever we get posted. HOWEVER if I find a place in Fort Hood and live there (4hrs is better than this!) then that eliminates that problem. What if Matt doesn't get Fort Hood as his next post you ask? Well he can reenlist for it- not something he's crazy about but I'm pushing for at least 2 more years since then Roman's college is paid for (when he gets out in 2014 he'll have been in 8yrs but you need to be in 10yrs for your child to get your GI Bill).

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Week from Hell

So Roman has been screaming off and on all day long for six days now (since the night before his dedication- the last post I wrote). Sunday night I tried switching him to soy formula but that didn't help. After a few days on the soy I took Roman to the Dr. We thought he was screaming because he was constipated (only pooped once mon and once tues- but that filled three diapers back to back while cleaning him) he screams right before farting (which he does ALOT. it's soo stinky.) and turns dark red and jerks his knees up and you can just tell by his eyes how much it hurts. However when he did poo it was loose like normal (except bright green) so that means he's not constipated just not pooing every day (they can go up to 2wks without pooping!!!) However Dr said I could try half an ounce of apple/pear/or prune juice in his bottle to get him going- but dumb mommy forgot to ask how often or when to stop. Gave him some when I got home and he pooped while eating! Don't know if it was a coincidence or the juice. But he still screamed all night. OH and he also has thrush so I have to give him drops in each cheek after feeding 4x a day. Anywho I decided to try a different routine where I bathe him and massage him BEFORE his bottle- never again. He screamed through the whole bath, massage, and dressing because he wanted his bottle (I woke him 30mins before feeding time but not enough). So after his bottle I give him the thrush meds however I must have done it too fast and I got the Vomit Volcano right in the face. It literally came straight up out of his mouth and spewed over like lava down a volcano. Over my freshly bathed baby and my clean pjs and the floor. Oh and some even got on my face (told you it came straight up). Roman just stared at me with these HUGE eyes that said "what the hell Mom? what WAS that?!" and just laid there in shock. I kept waiting for the scream to come but it took a min or so. I felt so bad but also found it hilarious- it shot up so far!! So after a wash cloth bath and changing him again (and LOTS more screaming) I got him to calm down and fall asleep listening to me reading Bambi. But he wouldn't stay asleep in his crib so I took him to his swing so I could pump. He ate at 11 (but took an hour to eat/burp!) so we didn't get into bed until midnight. By then I was so overtired that I couldn't fall asleep and heard every noise. Baby woke up at 3:15am and I tried to let him cry for a few mins then tried rocking him and walking him but finally gave in and gave him a bottle. After 2oz I went to burp him and he was screaming so bad that I laid him across my lap. He fell asleep that way but then spewed all over the floor- thankfully! Afterwards he fell back asleep and I got him back into bed and cleaned up. I don't think he needs that 3am bottle because this is 2nd time that he's puked half way through. When he goes longer at night he doesnt have that problem. (Oh and Dr said not to let him sleep longer than 5-6hrs because his blood sugar would get low because he's still too young? whatever if the kid is asleep I'M not waking him)He then slept til 6:30am. I fed him and pumped and tried to go back to sleep with him in our bed but he wouldn't cooperate. I gave up and got up with him and fed him and had some coffee and THEN he decides to sleep! UGH!

Where is Matt during all this you ask? Well he's in the field. He's been there since Tues and won't be back til next Fri. He goes on fuel runs sometimes and he stopped by once on Tues and once today but only for a few minutes and reeks too bad of gasoline to hold the baby. Other than fuel runs he doesn't do anything but chill in his bed watching Dexter on his laptop. Must be nice. He said to treat this like a practice for when he deploys (which is now March btw)- easy for him to say. He does nothing and I have the never ending screamer. I know these things aren't his fault but it's so hard not to feel resentful anyways.

Ok on to some good news. Thursday Roman turned six weeks old AND he rolled over!! I laid him in his crib for some tummy time while I got dressed and when I came back in he was on his back looking up at me like "Hey Mom- what's up?" I was so so excited I immediately called Matt (who was enjoying a nice nap lucky duck). I took him over to Jen's because she was keeping him while I went to my six week postpartum check up and we laid him on the floor but no luck. No luck today either. Must be his private thing. Of course this happens the ONE time I wasn't watching him on the video monitor!

So my check up went well. Everything is healed up. No babies for at least 6months but 12 is best. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA. Crazy Dr. I'm getting that IUD in as fast as I can! I even fell asleep in the waiting room and she thinks she has to warn me not to get pregnant right away.

Today has been rough rough. I just want to go home so bad where I could sleep in Wella's bed and I'd have aunt nikki, wella, kirsten, shana, grammy, etc to help with him. Or at my Nana's or Mary's house. Or in Houston where Roman has Aunt B, Nanna, and Yaya to take him. But no I'm here with no one but my poor friend Jen who gets stuck with us. She says she loves to help with him but it's not the same. I just want to be home.

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Colic Anyone?

I once read that it's easy to be a Mommy during the easy times but the test of a Mom is getting through those rough moments. That first illness or (in our case) the night that the baby won't stop screaming. Yesterday was that day. Roman was happy in the morning but come afternoon any time he wasn't sleeping or eating he was crying. The worst started at about 6pm after his bottle. He cried and cried. We changed him. We burped him. We offered paci. We tried the floor on his back and on his tummy. We tried his swing. Daddy bounced him on his chest. Mommy snuggled him close and tight to her chest. He would stop for a minute or two then start back up. Matt did get him to take short naps (5-10 mins)on his chest but he always woke up screaming. During all this I had gone to take a shower but when I got up I heard him screaming like he was in pain. We gave him Mylicon drops and he still cried while Matt first tried to burp him again and then bounced him on his chest. Another 10min nap later and it was Mommy's turn again. He acted like he wanted a paci but after one suck he would spit it out and cry. We fed him again at 9 and evn after burping he cried but didn't want more or the paci. He farted lots and finally gave us a good poop (2nd of the day) but even after changing him he still wailed. His little face was dark red, his knees were up to his chest, his fist were clinched as were his eyes, his forehead was wrinkled and he just cried. All of that plus the farting were every single symptom in my "what to expect the first year" book for colic. That's right- the dreaded "C" word. The thing every Mommy prays about while pregnat "Please please please let my baby be healthy and not have colic." He's had fussy evenings but last night was not normal. Finally I got him to sleep and rocked him. Then (and I debated and debated over this) we had to bathe him :-( He did great in his bath but once out the crying started back up. Let me mention that by 9:30 Mommy had joined in on the crying. I hate seeing my little in pain and there;s nothing I can do about it. Daddy's stress comes out in a meaner way- he gets frustrated and tends to yell. Then this causes Mommy to yell at Daddy for yelling at a baby. Then Mommy takes baby away from Daddy and cries more because she's frustrated with baby AND Daddy. Joys. Finally got him back asleep and back in bed by 10:45pm. Thank. You. Jesus. Matt and I didn't speak for the rest of the evening. Baby slept til 12:45am and I got up and fed him. Then he miraculously slept until 5:45am (I think all that crying exhausted him!) when Mommy shoved Daddy and said "Go. Feed. Baby." before rolling over and covering her ears. Not like it mattered who feeds him- I still can't sleep because I hear him crying (which causes leakage btw and is VERY annoying) while waiting for the bottle and being changed. Plus this time Roman spit up all over Matt (according to Matt it was all over his shoulder, down his chest, and all over his undies and a little bit on Roman) so Roman cried and cried while Matt wiped him all up. This was 6:15am. And my alarm went off at 6:30am. Nice. I took Roman while Matt cleaned up and we cuddled in bed where Roman just stared around our room and at his Mommy. A couple of snooze buttons later we got out of bed to start our morning. And that was my night. I am officially a Mommy.

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