I want to write it all down before I forget one single thing. Stupid hospital internet isn’t working but I will save this to post later. It’s 10pm and Matt’s gone and they took my baby to the nursery (I cried….I’m still crying. He’s been sleeping almost all day and not fussy but moment they went to take him he starts wailing and I just want to hold him.) Best and easiest thing to do is start from the beginning…but in this case we’ll start a day before.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Today was amazing. I went to PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) this morning and the message was just what I needed to hear. It was all about forgiveness and how it’s really for us and not the person who wronged us. Forgiveness doesn’t make us weak or fools and the bible does say to forgive over and over again. However it is ok to put distance between yourself and the person who is constantly hurting you. There was a great proverb about this (a dog and his vomit is mentioned…) but of course I don’t have my notes with me. The big key thing was if we aren’t able to forgive others then God isn’t able to forgive us. People like to say “Oh you don’t understand how BAD so-so hurt me, I can’t forgive them.” Well- what if God said that? Ouch. And forgiveness doesn’t mean we should expect anything. The person we’re forgiving may never change or they may not even know why you are forgiving them but again it’s about ourselves and not letting that resentment and anger eat away at us like cancer. You only make yourself miserable when you can’t forgive. And if you think you’ve “forgiven” someone but you still ill wish them- well you haven’t forgiven. I know I need to remember this a lot and I think many people I know would do well to also. Ok enough of my soap box ;-)
After PWOC I went over to Taco Bell with my friend who has 18month oldish fraternal twin girls. This mom is awesome and she reminds me so much of my own upbringing. She and her husband don’t baby talk their little girls and because of it their girls are so independent and smart! Tell them to do something (in adult language) and they understand- and shocker- DO it!! So I love talking with her and getting her advice. Sometimes I think that I’m just too “mean” or strict with kids but she reminded me that I’m not the only one and really it’s better for the child. While eating with her I ran into my friend and new FRG leader who told me that my preggo friend Danielle (who was supposed to be having her c-section today) had actually gone into labor on Monday so she had hers then! I was shocked to hear about this and immediately had to call and set up a meeting with her and her new beautiful baby girl (and Roman’s new girlfriend) Sienna. After picking up a few things it was off to meet Roman’s little lady.
Danielle started having contractions on Monday morning and by lunch had gone to the hospital where the little German nun (she delivered at a different hospital) told her “you no go home you stay and have baby”! Apparently she had just had lunch and so she had to suffer through her labor for 6 hours before they could do the c-section (and today I know how she feels but let’s not get ahead). I guess she began having a panic attack in the operating room and could feel herself being sewn up so they ended up drugging her nearly unconscious and then made her stay in ICU for an hour by herself. After finally reuniting with her husband and baby, and her parents, she spent the night in her private room in severe pain. The nurses kept coming in to push on her belly and of course she had to get up and walk around which she told me is NOT fun (if I only knew…) but there she was 2 days later and lookin pretty darn good for someone who’d just had major adominal surgery and a baby! I watched her get up and walk to the bathroom (slowly but without too much pain it seemed) and I held the image in my mind…this is only 2 days later. I can make it 2 days. She offered to let me old Sienna but Roman was VERY high up in my ribs and I was uncomfortable plus I didn’t feel like I could properly cuddle a newborn with that big ole belly in the way (but we did get a cute pic). After she opened her presents (adorable plaid girl shoes- jealous- and a pink bathrobe that matched Roman’s green one- pix to come!!) I said my goodbyes and headed on home.
That evening Matt and I went on our last pre-Roman date to a restaurant that several friends had been raving about for months. It was about 20 minutes away in Bad Kissingen (nice name right?) but it was so worth it. It’s in the middle of nowhere and it’s very peaceful and beautiful not to mention the amazing food which was also cheap! That’s right folks we hit them up on the perfect night- Schnitzel night! GIANT plate sized schnitzels with side for only 5.80euro. This place also brews their own beer so I made Matt (remember his nasty hangover from two weeks prior?) buy a small one to try. He said it was stout and only drank half of it. I took the teeniest tiniest sip but liked what I tasted. Matt just has a thing for weak American “piss” beer- guess I’ve got more Iris in me than I thought. ;-) We devoured our food- a cheese schnitzel (kaeseschnitzel) with fried potatoes (with bacon and onions) for me and a barbequeschnitzel mit pommes (with fries) for Matt- and we laughed and joked the whole time. Perfect date. Besides the part where my son wouldn’t move his head down and so I was quite uncomfortable the whole time, like I had been the whole day. We ran into our chaplain and his family eating with the newer chaplain so after chatting about Texas and Whataburger and such we headed out- but not before snapping a few pictures!
Now the whole day I hadn’t really been contracting. I was in pain all day because of his head- it literally felt like my skin was going to split right above his head it was so tight and he was pushing so hard- but nothing much to think about. I was sure that everything would be fine til Friday. Right before going to bed I noticed (stop reading if you have a weak stomach) a little bit of clear “boogers” tinged with brown when I wiped and I said something to Matt about he might need to go with me to the Dr the next day for my blood work but he didn’t even hear me (I found out later). I figured it was part of my (again- sensor) mucous plug but that just meant labor could be a day away or 2 weeks and since I had stopped contracting I figured eh it was normal. We hit the hay at 11:30pm and I was even too tired to call my Nana to check on my MawMaw (figured if anything major had happened I would have been called already) and somehow I managed to pass out and sleep well (first time in weeks?) and only got up to pee once. When I did I turned the lights on in the bathroom to see if I had any more boogers and sure enough I had a little bit just like earlier. Thought nothing of it again because I wasn’t in pain or anything and besides I’d mention it at the Dr’s in the morning. Well dum da dum dum duuuum now we have arrived at THE DAY!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
4:07am I was awoken to the dreaded memory of wetting the bed when I was 7 years old. I knew instantly though that it was my water so I nudged Matt and said “Ohp well my water just broke. Get up” to which he mumbled “What you’re water broke?” all confused like as he reached for his cell phone to check the time (and more than likely complain about the time). He jumped out of bed and stumbled around looking for stuff and it took him a minute (and my suggesting) to turn on a light. I sat up and more water kept flowing. It’s the weirdest sensation- it feels like you’re peeing yourself so you try and hold it but you know you’re not and you can’t. I was just shocked at how MUCH kept coming! I didn’t want to stand up!! I reached for the house phone to start the phone calls while Matt went to get me a towel to put under me so I wouldn’t drip all over the floor when I stood up. I ended up sitting on it for a few minutes and water continued to flow then I gave it up and ran to the bathroom holding the towel under me. I stood in the shower and just watched in amazement at all this fluid streaming out! I soaked my towel so I threw it down and proceeded to take off my soaked underwear and pad. When I did it looked like I broke a water balloon a huge gush just fell out! Matt gagged of course and went to finish the phone calls while I showered my legs off. I kept complaining the whole time how I had this planned dammit! I was supposed to be the lucky one who got to go into the hospital freshly showered with my hair done and make up on! Nope instead I hadn’t showered the night before or done my hair in a couple of days And at 4am you can kiss my butt if you thought I was putting on makeup! I repeatedly told Roman “You KNOW Mommy and Daddy aren’t morning people kid. What’s your deal?” I was also surprised at how calm Matt and I both were but then again I still wasn’t feeling any contractions- just a little pain in my lower back like menstrual pain. Although at one point when searching for those items for my suitcase I did just stand there and look at Matt and said “I don’t know what to do…” and he said “Me too.” We snapped out of it though and managed to get out of the house by 4:57am after our phone calls, walking the dogs, the quickest poo of Matt’s life (seriously), and loading up the car.
5:02am On the drive to the hospital my back started hurting worse. We had Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” playing and at this moment I am STILL singing it. Parking garage wasn’t working so we had to hunt down parking on the street beside the hospital. When the midwife opened the door for us I said “My water broke” but by this time it was obvious because I had soaked through my 2nd extra jumbo maxi pad, underwear, and pants- lovely. After changing pads she hooked me up to the heart monitor and contraction machine. This is where the fun began. I started having the WORST POSSIBLE back pain of ANYONE’s life. Seriously. Matt asked me to describe it but words can not. I tried though- it was like a butcher knife was being stuck in to the bottom of my spine and twisted all around while at the same time the world’s strongest man was squeezing my muscles all around the knife with all his possible strength. Wow that still doesn’t even sound as bad as it felt but my back is aching just thinking about it so moving on. The first few times it happened they were about 5 minutes apart then they jumped to two where they stayed for the next two hours. Lying in that bed trying to get monitored was torture and I rolled all around trying to find relief. Matt did his best to rub my back but it wasn’t working. During all this the Dr on call (the one who had filled in for my Dr before) came in to tell me that my Dr would be in at 8am but in the meantime she’d check my cervix but hopefully we would be waiting til 8am to make her life easier. Right as she said this one hit me and she said “Shit”- (don’t be shocked- it’s not a bad word in Europe) “-don’t be doing that! Don’t start that!” Sister if I could end it I’d do so gladly. Nothing would have made me happier at that moment than to make your life easier (no sarcasm there- meant I’d be out of pain!) but after my monitoring she checked me and she said the outside of my cervix was closed (as opposed to…what? Only knew of one cervix) so “nothing’s going to fall out” then we did an ultrasound to just confirm he was breech. Since my back pain was so awful she also did an ultrasound on my kidneys. She said it was possible the pregnancy/baby was putting so much pressure on them that they were blocked and that was causing the pain. Who knows, who cares? It hurt. I was supposed to be rehooked to the monitor since the print out hadn’t worked (but his HR was normal thank the Lord and I wasn’t having regular contractions so it was a waste) but they never did. I paced around the waiting room occasionally leaning over and gripping the table while moaning in pain all while a Greek (or Turkish?) family all watched me. I cared but I didn’t care. Matt did amazing- rubbing my back when I asked (demanded…) but not getting mad when I shoved him away out of frustration when it didn’t help to only call him back to rub it some more. I love him. Finally they came and got me and took me to one of the delivery rooms and forced me (literally- I was leaning over the sink gripping it for dear life…it felt better to stand and bend over like that) so they could monitor me and hook up an IV. She tried to do a catheter and I basically told her she was crazy and we’d wait til I had a spinal. I’ve had one before after a car accident and no thank you ma’am! In fact after another car accident (I’m never the driver btw people…knock on wood) I needed to pee so bad but was still strapped to the board and was too scared to tell them because I didn’t want another catheter. Thankfully my Aunt Carol was there and she’s a nurse so she helped me use a bed pan…wow way off topic. Back to horrible back pain and waiting around.
7:20am Absolute misery. Tears streaming down my face, mouthing the F-bomb over and over (but I never said it! SH…slipped out but that’s ok- it’s not a cuss word here! ) Matt rubbing/not rubbing asking the midwife every time she came in if I could have meds and being told every time yes…we finally figured out yes meant yes she’ll be getting a spinal. They shot me up with something for nausea but even with it I wanted to throw up so so bad. I would have if I had eaten anything in the last 12 hours. I had to use the bathroom so I hobbled over to the one across the hall and it took me forever because I kept having the pains so I couldn’t move- and my water had soaked another 6 maxi pads at this point so trying to change those- contemplating calling Matt in to wipe my hiney for me (and thinking of the little boy on Big Daddy saying over and over “But I wipe my own ass- I wipe my own ass!” and thinking if he can do it I can do it. Trying to wash my hands and not vomit and/or collapse from the pain…hobbling back across the hall where I refused to get back in bed and just stood leaning over it using it as support while Matt did the rub/don’t rub thing. The midwife tried to rub as well and it felt ok but of course she couldn’t stand there the whole time doing it and Matt couldn’t figure out what she had done (because I wasn’t articulating very well at this point). And to think that through all this pain I wasn’t even dialating yet. If I’d been having a natural birth (with no epidural was the plan) they’da been starting me on pitocin at this point which would have brought killer contractions on TOP of the back labor…I think I’d of been begging for every drug, gun, and liquor they had to numb the pain.
7:50am WHOO HOO they came in and started prepping me to go into surgery. I got the cool cap and everything. Ah who am I kidding I laid there in agony while they just moved me around like a puppet. Matt got all dressed up and in typical Matt fashion had to have a pic of himself ;-) so in between pains (which were only a minute apart by now) I snapped one of the goober. Matt and the midwife wheeled me down the hall to the operating room and then Matt had to stay outside while they gave the spinal and such. Oh yeah earlier another (from the one we had met) anesthesiogist (wow hate spelling that) came in and introduced himself and left then later on a woman came in and she tried to feel for a spot and also said “Hmm we may not be able to do spinal we may have to do the sleep one (she snored to emphasize her point- haha love language barriers) but we try” Well bless her heart tried she did! And that woman is right up there with Jesus in my book. Sure it took forever to get the spot (and she kept having to stick me with the local which was more uncomfortable than anything) and I was hunched over on the bed and gripping my midwife around the waist and squeezing the poor lady to death every time a back pain hit but she finally FINALLY (to an angel chorus) hit the spot and I didn’t even feel it! She said to quickly lie down and I would feel warmth spreading and I did. And it was lovely. It was another interesting sensation of being able to feel my legs and trying with all my might to move them but being unable to. I also got the pleasant side effect of the itchy nose. They all kept laughing at me but I was feeling so good I didn’t care. Itchy nose led to stuffy nose and itchy face but oh well. Only feeling I did not enjoy was trying to take deep breaths and clear my throat and being unable to because my ab muscles (which you don’t realize you use so much til you lose them- felt that when I broke ribs in car wreck…wow I need to start riding a bike more) but I couldn’t feel a thing surgery wise which was amazing. My friend had scared me. My anesthesiologist was amazing and sat beside me the whole time (Matt was beside her too) about Texas and my spinal tap which was horrible and my itchy face. She kept praising me for being so calm.
8:27am The Dr told Matt to stand up and have a look and all I could see was his face and his eyes bug out and his mouth drop open then into a smile (well I couldn’t “see” this because he had a mask over his mouth however after nearly 8 years with him I know what he’s doing by his eyes) as he went “whoooooaaa” and I kept asking “is the baby out- did they get him out- is he out yet” but then I heard his cry and I burst into tears. Ok wow I’m tearing up now thinking about that heavenly sound. They brought him around for me to briefly see before going and wrapping him up. They told Matt to wait a minute then he could go. Matt explained how when the Dr told him to look he saw his little tushy coming out of my tummy then all of a sudden pop there’s a head! And that he was so purple and he had lots of hair. “Hair?!” I couldn’t believe it! I was bald til I was two and Matt still is (haha just kidding honey)! I never thought we’d ever have a baby with hair!! Now all of this happened in just 15 minutes of the c-section! They brought the baby back in all wrapped up and let me hold him and took a picture then let Matt hold him and the midwife swiped the camera and started snapping away! And everyone in the room kept coming over and touching my shoulders or head and with the kindest eyes kept saying “Congratulations” and it felt so nice to feel so loved by these strangers. I’m sure it happens at every c-section but it still felt so special. Then they told Matt to bring the baby and they would go do the APGAR and weight and such while they cleaned me up. During that point is when I needed to clear my throat from crying and wanted to take relaxing deep breaths but couldn’t so they almost put the oxygen mask on me but I talked myself down. I got lots of head pats and praise for being such a good little girl.
8:52am I was cleaned up and they switched me back into my bed (poor ladies- I REALLY felt like a beached whale then) and wheeled back to my delivery/recovery room. There waiting for me was Matt holding OUR SON! I couldn’t believe it. He told me he got a 10 on the APGAR and he weighed 6.9lbs and was 19inches long and that he had the biggest balls Matt had ever seen on a baby (men…). He handed him to me but I could tell he just wanted to snuggle with him. We stared in amazement at his face. I stared in amazement at his hair! Dark brown like Matt’s and it looked like it had curl to it (for those of you who don’t know when Matt grows out his hair it is curly as well).
9:15am I had Matt go get a midwife so I could try this breast feeding thing I’d been stressing over for months. Well it wasn’t as easy as I was hoping. It took several minutes and one nipple shield later to get him on and going. He’d suck some but stop a lot. She showed me how to rub his cheek to get him going again but the little booger still took his time. I tried nursing him on the right side for about 45 minutes before we switched. When we moved him I saw that my nipple was lopsidedly swollen and bleeding…uh oh. The left side he got a hold of better (and I used the football hold so I felt better) and I didn’t feel like my giant boobs were suffocating him that way. Nursed for another 45 minutes (but actually did get a few good gulps this time) before calling it quits.
10:50am After burping him (and he burps like a champ…or a Barr) I laid him down on my chest so we could do some “skin to skin” bonding and he stuck his fist in his mouth and passed out. Matt really really wanted to hold him but couldn’t bring himself to wake him up because he said he looked too cozy. I was able to move my legs at this point but still no pain (but I knew it was coming).
11:30am I finally convinced Matt to take Roman. I could read it in his eyes that he wanted that kid so stinking bad. I convinced him by being the “bad guy” and waking Roman up myself. I handed him over (I was pretty tired at this point too and didn’t mind sharing) and Matt snatched him up. He cuddled him and when Roman began fussing he put him in front of his face and Shhhhed him and told him “Now you stop that crying” in a “mean voice” which worked! I always told Matt that Roman responded to his voice in the womb. He’d jump around when he first heard it and if Matt kept talking he would settle down to listen. Matt didn’t like the fussing sound (which wasn’t even a full blown scream according to what he said he did while being weighed) and kept making faces and looking at me to fix it. I just kept telling him over and over “you know what to do” and he did. He settled him down. Just as Matt was going to attempt to change his diaper the midwives walked in to move me up to the maternity floor. I asked them to help Matt and they told him to wait til we had moved. So he gave up Roman who passed back out on my chest so he could carry my stuff up to the new room. I loved the feeling of people’s eyes on me and my new miracle and the way that no one could resist smiling. I know I couldn’t/can’t when I see a new Mama being wheeled away with her baby! Up on the maternity floor a nurse took Roman to change him (sad…wanted Matt to do the first diaper) and give him his Vitamin K drops. I got settled in the room and then they finally wheeled Roman in with his new clothes and zip up blankie (which Matt quickly noticed had moons and stars- my fave) all cozy in his bassinet. They told me they check his blood sugar and it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good just ok. (panic #1- sister has diabetes). Was told the Dr would recheck this in the day or two. The nurse said since he finished eating at about 11 we’d wait until about 2pm to try feeding him again (another contrary thing I had read- you do 3 hrs from when you STARTED feeding him) so even though he was actually alert at that second we didn’t feed him. Matt walked around with him and talked and talked and then he ended up giving him to me to snuggle back on my chest (he loves to do it) because he had to go to post and sign out and run to the house to walk the dogs. While Matt was gone Roman stayed asleep and I attempted the internet. No luck. So then I attempted a nap with Roman. No luck. Matt kept calling and nurses came in and out for various things and before you know it it was nearly 3pm and the kid was still sleeping! So I unzipped him from his two wearable blankies to try and wake him up. Right as he’s waking up the physical therapist comes in to help me stand and walk for the first time. Fun. She put Roman in his bassinet and taught me how to roll over to my side (ow) and use one hand to push up (yeah right I have no arm strength) and one hand to hold my scar. Then for what seemed like the millionth time in my short life I hobbled across the floor, feet shuffling, back hunched over- looking worse than my great grandmother- all the way to the door and back. I got more praises for being a good girl (but no cookies…) and was allowed to get back in bed (ow again). After the PT left (after promising to return the next day. Looking forward to it. Not.) I got Roman back and paged the nurse. He tried to breast feed for about an hour but I’m not sure we got much accomplished. First off they have me wearing a plastic nipple shield so it is very uncomfortable when he sucks. Second he falls asleep the second it’s in his mouth- no matter what!
Pause: Today is now Friday, July 30, 2010 and I’m picking up where I left off. However it’s already so fuzzy! I don’t have the exact play by play like I did last night so for those of you tired of reading it’s ok this will be much shorter!
After nursing Roman passed out and would not wake up! We tried to get him to nurse around 8pm but he wouldn’t wake up so I ended up pumping instead. I made about 5milliliters of colostrums which he would eat later. The nurse took Roman away about the time Matt was getting ready to leave and I lost it. First off Roman chose that moment to start throwing a fit so of course I was convinced he was starving (though I know they don’t need it…logic goes out though when he’s crying!) and so I started crying and the nurse reassured me he was fine and she’d bring him right back if he was hungry. Matt stayed a little longer to comfort me but I finally sent him home. You can tell how tired Matt his by how red his eyes are and his were dark scarlet all around- no whites to be seen. At 9:40pm the nurse came in to give me pain meds (which didn’t do diddly by the way) and told me she changed Roman’s diaper and he had pooped- his first poop! I felt like such a nerd at how excited I was about that. Of course I couldn’t sleep so I started to watch a movie but 2 minutes into Juno I gave it up. I began writing this while simultaneously fighting with the internet. At about 1am the nurse brought Roman in right as I was beginning an ugly facebook status update about wanting my dang baby back and how he hadn’t eaten in about 9 hours. I was highly upset when she hands him to me and starts maneuvering his head around to help him latch on and all I could smell was cigarettes. Seriously? If you work with babies or children it should be against the rules to smoke- like your job could fire you if you came in smelling like that or if you were smoking on the job! Ridiculous. I was biting my tongue the whole time from saying anything (after all this lady controlled the pain meds!) but now I wish I had…after Roman finished at 1:45am I asked the nurse for pain meds. It had been four hours so I was due. Well not according to this lady. She told me to wait longer- until 4am. Ok so I needed 6 hours in between no biggie. I laid down after they left and for the first time on my side and slept for about an hour on each side. It must have been hard sleep because it felt like it lasted 2 seconds! At 4:30am in came the nurse with Roman ready to eat again. I tried for forty minutes with nothing to show for it. He would not wake up!! So then I ended up having to pump another thirty minutes after. The nurse asked if I wanted Roman to stay with me and without thinking about how both my hands would be holding the pump thereby unable to attend to him should he cry I said yes. So she left and of course as I’m pumping Roman began to fuss. I think he can smell it or something because it never fails! When she came back after I was finished she was very unhelpful in the fact I had colostrum leaking down me and all over the pump and a screaming baby. Whatever. I ended up getting the most yet- 5militers from each breast for a total of a whopping 10 milliliters! After getting the pump situated I asked for my pain meds- it was now after 6am. Nasty cigarette lady tells me “Oh no you wait a little bit longer” with this fake sympathetic face. “But I haven’t had any” I told her. “You wait until 8am,” again with the fake sympathy eyes. I repeated through tears “But I haven’t had any since-“ and she cut me off. “You wait.” And with that I got a pat on the leg and she left. And she left Roman this time. Ok yes I wanted my baby with me however if you aren’t going to allow my husband to stay the night with me (even though I didn’t have a roommate the first night) and you aren’t going to medicate me properly it’s a little difficult to take care of a baby. I had only been out of bed twice at this point- and with a lot of help. So I did what any new mom would do. I cried. And cried. And cried. I called Matt who I knew was at formation and couldn’t answer. Then cried some more. I managed somehow to get Roman out of his crib and onto my chest so he would stay asleep longer than 3 minutes and cried into his head. When Matt called back he could barely understand me through the tears and my husky voice. I explained about the pain meds and the pumping and Roman’s crying but I think it all came out in one very long sentence. Matt said he’d be right there (we had originally said he’d go home after formation and nap and take his time coming in. Ha.) As bad as I felt asking…wait no I didn’t. Matt was exhausted the night before and he did have to go home and call more people and deal with the computer and the dogs however he still was in bed before midnight and was awake at the same time as always. I had slept 2 hours in 26 hours by that point. But he didn’t mention anything about being tired God love him. He got there about an hour later (around 8am) and Roman and I were snuggled up in the bed. The shift change had just happened and a nice nurse came in to check on me and asked if I was in pain. I said yes and she said “Ok I bring you pill right now!” and she did. There are angels on this Earth.
So technically that’s Roman’s first 24 hours. But I’m already here so why not continue on with the rest of our day?
19:59
Keeley Barr
