13:28
Keeley Barr
So I have a lot of new mommy friends and I feel like I need to share this just in case someone else needs to hear it to feel normal. Friday was a horrible day. The worst so far. It was so bad that i had to lay Roman in his crib, shut the door, go lay in my bed (in the dark) and cry. And call my godmother (at 5am her time). It was the first time I thought that I could now empathize with those women who hurt themselves or their babies. I never ever understood why women did that and I judged them so harshly but now I can understand the feeling. I don't understand the action because everyone has a choice- a choice to harm or a choice to walk away and talk to someone. I do not feel sorry for women who do harm. I just now have a better understanding of them. No I wasn't worried about harming myself or my baby- don't freak out or worry about me- I just started thinking "Wow. I get it now." And it was a scary thought. It was awful. I felt so so guilty and scared and alone. And what's weird is I'm not alone here! I have AMAZING wonderful and caring friends here. God has truly placed the best people in my life. But I still felt alone. I just needed my family or Matt (who was/is in the field). However at the time I was too scared to share these thoughts with my family (for fear they'd worry) and I still haven't shared them with Matt for the same reason. When he's home we'll discuss it because (like I'm sharing with you) I want him to know those thoughts are ok. And everyone has to just walk away from the baby for a little while. I know we all read that it's normal and ok but still I thought "Oh I'll never think that or be like that" but... I did/do. And today I was able to share that thought with two wonderful women who both reassured me in a noncondescending manner that they've been there and it's hard. But it's normal. And it does get better.
So for my mommy and soon-to-be-mommy friends even if you are too ashamed, scared, or embarrassed to share your thoughts or feelings just know that you are not alone.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Need to share
1 comments:
Babygirl you amaze me every day. That is a hard thing to talk about because like you said you never thought of hurting him or yourself yet to find yourself saying I get it though scares the poo out of you. Aunt Stacy can tell you that when I called the nurse and said I am biting my husbands head off and don't know why what is wrong with me was the hardest call to make but she was right there. At that time your dad and I never fought...so it was way out of my comfort zone to feel like that. But they ended up giving me Welbutrin for 6 weeks and let my hormones all settle. I am glad you reached out and opened up. Now that you are a mom you can understand that unconditional love that exist between mother and child. That you can call us for anything at any hour and know that I love you and support you and know that you have a good head on your shoulder. I am glad others there with you were able to share their stories as well. It does get better. I think you are smart to want the IUD..having them close together seemed to really make ya go whacky. Never ever wanting to hurt my children but looking back in hine site I was falling apart and tryin to stay strong (with all the doctor appts that I believe was God's way of keeping me busy and I thought why are you giving me all this to deal with and so close together now seeing God was doing for me what I couldn't even see at the time.. we serve an AWESOME God that loves us and wants us to turn to Him) I love you so much and just in awe of the woman and mother you have become! I have no doubt at least one friend is going Thank God she said this I thought it was just me!!! Most people who are honest with themselves are going yeah I was there ...to say you never had a time you had to go in the other room is to lie to yourself ... isn't it nice to know you are in the majority not the minority? Love you to the moon xoxo mommy
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